I didn’t Lose My Calling, I Lost Myself

I wish I could say I stepped away from my assignment because I needed rest.

The truth is… I stepped away because I was hurting.

I didn’t wake up one day and decide to ignore what God asked of me. I just got tired of carrying pain and purpose at the same time. And I didn't even realize that somewhere along the way, I was living in survival instead of obedience. Sometimes I find it hard to function when my heart feels so heavy.

I smiled when I really just need to cry, I served when I needed to sit and I encouraged others while behind the scenes I was feeling spiritually numb. I didn’t even notice how far I drifted from clarity. I just knew everything felt harder than it used to. The things that once felt natural started to feel forced, like a job. The grace I once gave freely turned into frustration. I thought something was wrong with me. But I see it differently now.

When I read about Elijah asking God to let him die after performing miracles, I realize how easy it is to be spiritually powerful and emotionally exhausted at the same time. It's as if he was faithless but he was just really overwhelmed. But still, God didn’t treat them like sinners. He treated them like sons who were hurting. That wrecks me because I’ve been harder on myself than God ever was.

We think we need to “get it together” before we could return to what he asked of us. We think we need to be stronger, more disciplined, more focused. But God has been showing me "I don’t need you stronger. I need you honest. Honest about the hurt. Honest about the disappointment. Honest about the exhaustion."

Because how can I carry an assignment well when I'm pretending to be okay. So here I am, not pretending anymore. Admitting that pain made me shrink. Admitting that I got quiet when I should have spoken. Admitting that I withdrew when I should have trusted.

But also realizing I never stopped being called. I just needed to be cared for before I could be sent again. And maybe this is what grace actually looks like. Not God waiting for me to return polished and ready but God sitting with me while I learn how to come back soft and honest. I didn’t lose the calling but I did lose myself for a while. And God, in his goodness, is helping me find both again.